Samantha Catherine (the_operatic) wrote in capslock_elite,
Samantha Catherine

Sorry, i swear this is the last one

Okay, i know i just posted like... three hours ago... but... I have more angsting to do. I swear i'm not always like this, i'm just having a particularly... angsty few days..  it's the ... ex boyfriend thing.



Yeah. So at about 2 he told me he had had sex with another girl, even though when i asked him before he said he hadn't... Meaning, he lied.. and i freaked out and walked all the way down to his house, which is a pretty long walk... including walking nearly the whole way down a very major street/on ramp to the freeway... hah. Does that prove i'm a Gryffindor? I'm so incredibly impulsive that i'd walk, ALONE, at 2 in the morning down very major streets just to go see an ex boyfriend... impulsive is a gryffindor trait, isn't it? Or maybe i'm confusing that with "pathetic"

So... yeah. we talked for a long time. Had a really pleasant time, really, when we were talking. Like old friends. Then inevitably it turned to sex... because it always does... And his mother wakes up at 5 every morning, and it was all done with by 4:50... So I had to rush out. That's not how my movie ends...

my movie ending... We would lie together for the rest of the night. He'd tell me he'd always love me, he'd always have a special place for me... we'd hug.. he'd drive me home (instead of me having to walk home again) and that scene would end. Then it would be lights up on me the next day, or maybe next week, waking up at sunrise and realizing that it's over and i'm okay... and that I'm free. But i didn't get my movie ending.

But somehow I almost do feel some closure. I do.. I chanted "it's over" the whole way home... besides when i screamed "ITS CALLED JAILBAIT, ASSHOLES" to the gross men who honked.. God, yo'd think someone walking down a road sobbing their heart out would not be ... honk worthy.

But basically... My view on sex is that... in a perfect world, it would only be about love and trust, never a form of currency, which is how it feels. ("I'll give you sex if you love me."). In my perfect world sex would only be between two people who love and trust each other ultimately beyond everything...  and he used to believe the same thing. But now he wants to experiment with multiple partners... before we had sex, he told me that he believed that every time you had sex with someone new, you gave them a peice of you. And that's what I believed... that sex was 'binding'. that it made two people... a part of each other. Or something.. And now he's saying... multiple partners.. is okay, it's possible to differentiate between meaningful sex and meaningless sex. I dont know. When he changes his beliefs, it totally shatters mine. I need to dis... attatch, un attatch and break off this weird parasitic relationship i have with him, so I can have my OWN beliefs, and not freak out whenever he changes his. argh.  How does one do that?

Sorry. Last one, I promise.

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