Samantha Catherine (the_operatic) wrote in capslock_elite,
Samantha Catherine

Sorry, i swear this is the last one

Okay, i know i just posted like... three hours ago... but... I have more angsting to do. I swear i'm not always like this, i'm just having a particularly... angsty few days..  it's the ... ex boyfriend thing.



Yeah. So at about 2 he told me he had had sex with another girl, even though when i asked him before he said he hadn't... Meaning, he lied.. and i freaked out and walked all the way down to his house, which is a pretty long walk... including walking nearly the whole way down a very major street/on ramp to the freeway... hah. Does that prove i'm a Gryffindor? I'm so incredibly impulsive that i'd walk, ALONE, at 2 in the morning down very major streets just to go see an ex boyfriend... impulsive is a gryffindor trait, isn't it? Or maybe i'm confusing that with "pathetic"

So... yeah. we talked for a long time. Had a really pleasant time, really, when we were talking. Like old friends. Then inevitably it turned to sex... because it always does... And his mother wakes up at 5 every morning, and it was all done with by 4:50... So I had to rush out. That's not how my movie ends...

my movie ending... We would lie together for the rest of the night. He'd tell me he'd always love me, he'd always have a special place for me... we'd hug.. he'd drive me home (instead of me having to walk home again) and that scene would end. Then it would be lights up on me the next day, or maybe next week, waking up at sunrise and realizing that it's over and i'm okay... and that I'm free. But i didn't get my movie ending.

But somehow I almost do feel some closure. I do.. I chanted "it's over" the whole way home... besides when i screamed "ITS CALLED JAILBAIT, ASSHOLES" to the gross men who honked.. God, yo'd think someone walking down a road sobbing their heart out would not be ... honk worthy.

But basically... My view on sex is that... in a perfect world, it would only be about love and trust, never a form of currency, which is how it feels. ("I'll give you sex if you love me."). In my perfect world sex would only be between two people who love and trust each other ultimately beyond everything...  and he used to believe the same thing. But now he wants to experiment with multiple partners... before we had sex, he told me that he believed that every time you had sex with someone new, you gave them a peice of you. And that's what I believed... that sex was 'binding'. that it made two people... a part of each other. Or something.. And now he's saying... multiple partners.. is okay, it's possible to differentiate between meaningful sex and meaningless sex. I dont know. When he changes his beliefs, it totally shatters mine. I need to dis... attatch, un attatch and break off this weird parasitic relationship i have with him, so I can have my OWN beliefs, and not freak out whenever he changes his. argh.  How does one do that?

Sorry. Last one, I promise.

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get. yourself. out. of. there.

This relationship is hurting you. He's taking advantage of you. If you were happy with it, I wouldn't be saying this. But you are obviously NOT happy about it. Go get drunk, grieve, rant, cry. But never ever succumb to that ever again. Its hurting you.

And he let you walk home?? That asshole.
yeah. hah. He said he would have driven me, but his mum was waking up and so he couldn't. So. eh. I do need to get out of this, because it's excruciating . I really really hope this is closure. I'm having an impossible time getting it..
and why the bloody hell not??? Really, guys like that drive me up the wall.
something about getting thrown out of the house. I dunno. His mom is a psychobitch... I'm not realy sticking up for him (Am I!?!.. argh), but they only have one car... His mom has a particularly vicious hatred of me.. so that wouldn't go over well, if she found out I was there. and if he left... she would have found out and freaked out. I guess. I dunno. I wanted him to at least walk some of the way with me...
*takes deep calming breaths*

*pops open firewhiskey*

Let's have a drink, eh?
Bloody brilliant idea *takes a very long swig*

I love this community because i can come home at 5 AM from getting honked at by really gross guys and get love and firewhiskey. haha.
heheheh :love: feel better ok?
lol. :love back: okay.
I know it seems completely impossible but take time away from him, get some distance and some time. As long as you need. This is not good for you. *hugs*
As everyone else is saying, it's not good for you.

Now, the thing where he tossed you out cuz his mum was waking up? That stuff happens. When you're a teenager having sex, it's inevitable that the encounters will be bang-and-bye because it's SO hard to get alone time together when you live with parents.

HOWEVER, no one should ever stay in a relationship where they're hurt and unhappy more often than they are content. It's not good for you, and it's not good for him either. You're unhappy and stressed, and all he's learning is that he can take advantage of you and probably other girls without them ever fighting back. If you can't catapult him into manhood with the swift kick in the gonads he deserves, let him go and just stand back and watch. Eventually, he's going to try the same thing with a girl who will tear him a new one.
Go away for a while. If you can't, then totally immerse yourself in a hobby or something, just don't think about it. Obviously, thinking about it makes you sad.
Having multiple partners is fine, I guess, AS LONG AS THE PERSON HAVING MULTIPLE PARTNERS DOESN'T LIE ABOUT IT. I just hate that. I mean, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't want him to be with other girls whilst he's with me, but if he was, then i'd prefer it if he told me rather than lie about it. Does that sound weird?
But argh. I say ge trid of him.

And really, get as far away from him as possible. You deserve someone who will love and respect you, and he obviously will not give that to you.

*passes over tea and chocolate. And a big box of tissues*